I think when I come to kickbacks and gatherings is when I start pondering the most. Maybe it’s the Jameson talking, but I seem to always end up semi in my feelings looking at every one around me. Everyone enjoying themselves, and there i sit in deep thought. I was gonna let y’all in on my life one of these days when it came to relationships and me personally. Might as well now huh. I don’t know what got me in the mood , But as I sit here and sip on this Jameson, I’ve came to a self realization, that I’ve doubted myself for years and never gave me a chance with myself or anyone. Hell I’ve found myself confused in situations simply because it has been that long. Why did I do this? I didn’t realize most of my life , but I was a person that never wanted to give some of me but all Of me. I can blame it on the countless failed attempts of creating something with someone or I could blame it on the time not being right. But most of that problem was my fault. I’ve doubted what I could do for people, doubted that people even cared, avoided people so I wouldn’t disappoint, ended things before I started it. And the crazy thing is, I knew I was doing it because I was the person helping other people realize they were doing it. I think I suppressed the things I was most insecure about instead of actually dealing with them, giving a false facade that I had overcame them. They say home is where the heart is, and while is may have built that foundation, created a place for me to grow in some places, I still hid something in my attic that i should have thrown out along time ago. I think the problem with a lot of us is that we don’t make ourselves vulnerable with the person inside of us. If we can’t do that, then how do we expect to be open and vulnerable with others? It all boils down to me being a person that wants the best for the people around me, but I can’t do that if I’m not the best for me first. That starts with me being honest with myself, and I challenge you to do the same. I don’t necessarily know what I want, because I never allowed myself to find out. I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m afraid of never having the chance to commit. I’m not afraid to give someone my all, I just haven’t given myself my all yet. I’m not afraid of rejection, but I worry of disappointment after acceptance. All that stems from me suppressing the conflict within in me. I am person who tries to make sure the people around me are good, but I can not do that if I don’t make sure I’m good with myself. With that being said, take the time to worry about you first before you worry about what anyone else is doing or else you will find yourself in a space you will never be comfortable or progressive in. I believe when you appreciate yourself fully, it will have to worry less about what others think and others see you for you, and you know that if things don’t work out, you did your part in the situation. I’m making myself vulnerable for anybody who is reading this while letting go of old thoughts and working on the things I need for myself. What are some things you believe you could work on? Take sometime to reflect on you and your progress as a person. If you ever have to ask “ why am i doing this “ or “ who am i doing this for”, self evaluation may be what you need.